How to Be Successful on the X Factor

It’s time to watch the X Factor drag it’s limp, lifeless corpse across our screens for another relentless year. Luckily, Louis Walsh (the geriatric who has a penchant for sexual assault), won’t be on the judging panel this year. However, as the disillusioned and disabled are mocked by multi-millionaires, there are a few tried and tested ways to garner success from the morally bankrupt show.

Step 1) Sob Story
In this tumultuous and fucked-up world we live in, life often slaps each and every one of us with some horrendous luck. Chances are, your favourite songs pack an emotional punch. The X Factor often capitalises on this collective tear-jerking, by finding contestants who are willing to share their special slice of trauma.

The X Factor are privy to this phenomena too, see their collection of MOST EMOTIONAL AUDIENCES EVER!

Step 2) Be Marketable
Doesn’t matter how great your voice or song-writing, you must be consumable. Some templates include: girl next door with suggestive lyrics, MAN MEAT 6 PACKS, and the charismatic underdog, crazy cat-lady, with expectation-shattering voice. (see Susan Boyle – it’s Britain’s Got Talent but it’s the same show with a different skin)

Step 3) Lose!
A key element of the competition is to not win it. It may seem counter-productive, but avoiding Simon Cowell’s label Syco is the key to lasting fame.

Don’t believe me? Let’s have a look at a few examples…

In 2008, Alexandra Burke won the X Factor. The runner’s up were JLS, who went 4 x Platinum with their debut album. Comparatively, the winner Alexandra debuted at 2 x Platinum.

Fortunately, JLS are no longer a walking pack of abs and are most fondly remembered for this magical moment.

Still don’t believe me?

Joe McElderry’s career is skyrocketing. He’s on Loose Women, makes regular appearances on panel shows & has a successful career presenting. Still unsure of who Joe McElderry is? Well, he was the winner of the X Factor in 2009. Unfortunately, he does none of the things I’ve just mentioned. Stacey Solomon & Olly Murs do – the runner’s up of X Factor in the same year.

You get the point, but let’s twist the knife into the dead horse of a career once more.

One Direction dominated the charts throughout their tenure as a five-some. Someone who didn’t dominate the charts was Matt Cardle – who beat 1D to the win in 2010. If you’re remotely near the orbit of the music industry, you’ll know who One Direction are. There’s no need to humiliate Mr. Cardle by comparing sales figures…

The Ex-Factor
Fame and fortune are a cruel and fickle mistress. When it comes to meteoric rises of both, the audience is in control. If you become a star over the course of one series, then that stardom can fade just as quickly.

A secure, solid & loyal fan-base are the foundations for musical success.

You may have noticed that one of the most obvious steps is missing – a great voice. Unfortunately, this isn’t a key step on the ladder of X Factor success. Luckily, you now have the step-by-step guide to talent show success – good luck!